if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
