I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
