Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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