i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
