Umm I'm too high to move.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
