She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
