I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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