No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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