we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
