never play flip cup with pint glasses
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
