...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
