I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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