i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
