I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
