I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
