oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
