who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
