its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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