my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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