I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
