i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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