I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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