All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
