Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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