I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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