just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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