Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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