hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize