rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
