Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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