It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
