i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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