I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
