that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
