my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
