1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
