I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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