dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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