ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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