if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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