if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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