I am puke
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
