I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize