I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
