Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
did i walk over a car last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
