it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
True strength comes from lack of pants
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
