He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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