please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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