I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
