I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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