Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
