yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
