I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
