Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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