I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize