Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize