I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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