She's like a pop up book from hell.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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