Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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